.png){kind=logo}
Spot the Passive-Aggressive Dater
There's the friend who "forgets" your birthday, the sister who "mistakenly" forwards that email you wrote about your mother, the co-worker who "accidentally" sets fire to your Hooters calendar. And that was just on Friday.
And it goes without saying that passive-aggressiveness is common to long-term relationships. Heck, for many couples, it's the very backbone. But p-a behaviors have invaded the dating sphere as well.
For example: how many times have you read an online profile that went something like, "Whoever thought I'd end up here?" (Translated: "Actually, I think I'm far too good to be on a site like this.") "But who knows, maybe I'll meet the partner of my dreams. Stranger things have happened." ("Yeah, like UFOs landing and a decent Adam Sandler movie.") "So, if you think you've got what it takes" ("Which I'm sure you don't, but let's pretend") "then message me."
Then there's the passive-aggressive date-arranger, whose weapon of choice is voicemail. "Yeah, well, I don't really have anything to do today so I thought I'd give you a call and see what you're up to, maybe we could get together, but if not, whatever." Oh, well in that case let me just cancel my audience with the Pope.
Guys in particular seem prone to passive-aggressive behavior, at least where females are concerned. Depending on his level of self-confidence, if a dude is attracted to his date, he might be resentful of her power over him. The result is a kind of "you-can't-reject-me-if-I-reject-you-first" attitude that might manifest itself in rudeness to waiters, bragging about real estate deals, and taking calls from an ex in the middle of dinner.
And, as most women will attest, nothing brings out the passive-aggressiveness in guys more than rejection, especially when of a sexual nature. To save face, most men when their advances are met with a can of mace will say it's OK. But it's really not because he suspects you've already slept with his friend, the UPS dude and Anthony Keidis. And so he might say something like, "I'd drive you home but I have to get up for paintball practice. Here's the bus stop."
Jealousy is another trigger for us. Sorry!
"I used to have serious jealousy issues, which I'm happy and relieved to say I've defeated," writes Adrian M, a journalist and musician. "BUT back in the day, anything that stoked my jealousy would trigger an immediate passive-aggressive reaction -- and it didn't take much to make that happen. It was passive-aggression because I was lucid enough to be embarrassed about my own weakness but incapable of controlling it."
It's not just a male thing, though. But a lot of men aren't very good at communicating their displeasure, and figure the shortest route to watching the game is to just nod and smile.
"In my book, I talk about it [passive-aggressive behavior] as a kind of sugar-coated hostility," says Dr. Scott Wetzler, a professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, and the author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man.
"It's a kind of hostility that's being enacted, and at the same time being denied. The person might be acting very innocent, saying 'You're imagining this.' Or they might make a sarcastic comment which hurts your feelings and then they say, 'Why are you so sensitive?'"
The phrase itself was coined during World War II, when military psychiatrists noticed a segment of soldiers who weren't defying or disobeying orders, but also weren't carrying them out.
Wikipedia meanwhile, sums it up thusly: "Passive-aggressive behavior is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious."
Frequently, says Wetzler, passive-aggressive behavior "is a crime of omission rather than commission. You create some expectation which you then don't fulfill. You disappoint the other person, you frustrate them."
Other signs of the passive-aggressive dater include backhanded compliments ("that looks just like something my mom would wear"); false thanks for gifts ("Oh, my mom will love this" when it's actually for her); and perennial lateness (though this could also just be put down to self-discipline problems).
Leaving notes is classic p-a behavior. (In fact, there's a whole, and very entertaining, website dedicated to the art of the passive aggressive note.) Notes are great for when you want to make your displeasure known without any actual confrontation. And you don't even have to sign them.
And thanks to technology, there are more ways to express your veiled hostility than ever -- by forgetting to turn on your cell phone, by posting "concerned" notes about STDs on someone's social networking site, by emailing pics of your Yorkie.
So what can be done about this social epidemic? Well, it's important to remember that passive aggression, in certain rare situations, be a useful communication tool. Say, for example, that the only alternative you can see to leaving an anonymous note for someone is taking a shovel to the back of his head. Also, in others, passive aggression is fairly easy to negate. If you refuse to rise to react to the "aggression" part -- for aggression generally feeds aggression -- you'll likely find you're left with the passive remains.
Comment: "That looks just like something my mom would wear."
Response: "Your mom must have an awesome sense of style!"
Also, a person's p-a tendencies don't necessarily make them not worth the trouble. In cases of jealousy -- and it happens to all of us -- a little reassurance goes a long way.
Of course, it's often more trouble than it's worth. And, once you've recognized the signs of the classic p-a type, you can use them as a filter for prospective partners. First impressions count, and if someone's already exhibiting the symptoms, ask yourself: do you really want to be separating someone's real thoughts and emotions from their post-it notes for the rest of your life? Is the person whose online profile reads like something written by a vengeful teenager really someone you want to have coffee with?
To be fair, though, while some personality types might be more likely than others to show up drunk for your family functions or to park your car in a tow-away zone, sooner or later we all engage in it. We just have to realize when it's happening and, instead of leaving that note or picking a fight over something inconsequential, confront the behavior head on.
Either that or just email a link to this article to whomever you're having a problem with.
