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Manipulation... Or is it?
But Sheila "really did a number on him," according to his friend Ann. He was pretty distraught.
Cut to three years later. "She gets married to this guy, and that brings back a lot of old memories for Jeff," says Ann. "Her husband launches a website, and Sheila sends an email out to Jeff and a list of other people announcing the website.
"Jeff is still really broken up about her and her getting married and marrying a douchebag. He can't really shake it off. Plus, he thinks the website is stupid." Enter Ann.
"I tell him to reply to her email but to respond as if he were writing back to their mutual friend Monica. In the pretend-email, which he 'accidentally' sends to Sheila instead of Monica, he makes fun of Sheila's husband's website, saying that it's very unlike Sheila to put her name on something (she was listed as an editor) that is so half-baked and unpolished."
Sheila replies to the email: 'Uh, I think that's what you call a f***- up.'
The next day she takes her name off the website as the editor.
"Two weeks later, she emails Jeff, apologizing for how she treated him, and that she hopes he can forgive her.
"Jeff becomes instantly over her.
"Ann manipulation class-1, ex-girlfriend-0."
Thank you, Ann.
What we have here is a classic case of manipulation, practically Machiavellian in design.
If all's fair in love and war, then manipulation is just one of those things the wary dater and serial monogamist hopefully learns to recognize. However, seeing manipulative behavior for what it is isn't always easy, and even the canniest of us are duped occasionally.
Digression: This writer, after a recent fight with his girlfriend, actually believed her story that his cat -- who doesn't even like her -- "licked a tear from my face," an admitted (later) ploy for sympathy.
For our purposes, we can define manipulation as purposely misleading someone in order to get them to feel or do something they wouldn't otherwise. As underhanded as it sounds, manipulation isn't always pernicious. Sometimes such inventions may be justifiable, say, when it's necessary to give a person a little push. In general, though, it's pretty selfish behavior.
In her entry "Dating is Competitive Manipulation," blogger Violent Acres ("Like you, but with poor impulse control") writes about snaring a guy she liked when she was 19. He had a girlfriend but that didn't stop her.
"So I commenced with my wooing which included some light laughter, a couple of well placed accidental flashes of skin, and a few knowing looks," writes the VA. "When Jack invited me to grab some coffee after work, I'd smiled at him coyly and say, 'Now that would hardly be appropriate, considering your girlfriend…' and then I'd sashay away before he could answer."
Six weeks later, they were casually dating. But this wasn't enough for Acres, so she bought herself two dozen red roses and included a card that said, "I can't stop thinking about you." A few hours after finding the flowers and card in her apartment, Jack suggested they get "more serious." Mission accomplished.
Men can be just as underhanded. They'll use affection and flattery to disarm or insults and ultimatums to get what they want. Every woman is familiar with the kind of shaming ("what are you, a prude?") men resort to when they're not getting what they want, especially sex.
And every single woman is familiar with one of the most common forms of manipulation, what Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion author Robert Cialdini calls the "rule of reciprocity."
People usually feel obligated and in debt if someone does something for them, a principle even the densest guy figures out eventually. Hence, if a guy buys you a drink, it's usually because he wants something from you, whether it's your time and attention or more.
But women, it's fair to say, are generally better versed in the arts of relationships, and bring a few more tricks to the table. Or maybe guys are just a little slow when it comes to the machinations of the fairer sex.
"Women, from a young age, when you're with your girlfriends, you're talking about how to use your sexuality to get what you want," says Lisa T., an Australian living in Vancouver. "And then as you get older you use that as well to get him to clean the bathroom. I think we know guys, a lot of the time, are just trying to make us happy."
Yes. Or to avoid conflict by making you unhappy.
It's a two-way street, says Lisa. "There are always guys who are good manipulators. Aussie guys are big-time manipulators. They'll try to get a girl to think one way about herself and you'll go along with it and then you'll think, 'Wait a minute...'"
Sarah M., a server, has her methods of controlling her boyfriend down pat. "When I ask him to do something for me and he says 'no,' I'll say fine, and walk away. And in two seconds he's doing it for me. You act like everything's OK, but let him know it's not."
But women don't want to go out with guys they can push around, do they? "As long as I get my way with the big things, I'll let the little things slide, Sarah continues. "Like, maybe picking the restaurant or the movie are the little things.
"The bigger things, like if I want him to come over to my parents' house for dinner. I might throw a little guilt trip his way.
"I think it's important to sometimes put up a fight about something, even if I do want to see the movie he wants to see.
"You have to pick your battles."
